Dear Rick Ross, I work at an advertising company. The other day over drinks, I told one of my colleagues a great new marketing campaign I thought of for one of our biggest clients – and the next morning, he brought it up in the office like it was his idea! This isn’t the first time this guy has stolen my ideas. What should I do? —Steve, New York
Damn. First of all, you label a guy like that a cunt. Pull him aside one time, get some direct eye contact going, and advise him that he is now labeled a cunt, and you will expose him. Tell him you expect him to tell everyone where he got that genius idea from in the next 24 hours – or else.
Do you know a good recipe for an at-home date night, Rozay? I’ll be pairing the dinner with rosé, obviously. But what should I cook to make my guy happy? —Britni, Redondo Beach, California
Try Italian. It could be real simple. Baked ziti, garlic bread, a little alcohol, some cookies. And some massage oil. It’s very inexpensive, ladies.
I really want to make a sex tape with my girlfriend, but I’m worried she’ll think I’m a total creep if I ask her to do this. She’s actually a kindergarten teacher, and she’s definitely the good-girl type. Should I give it a try or forget it? —Bobby, Seattle
Nah, man, give it a try. Every now and then I pull out my iPhone in bed, just to get a little clip. Nine times out of 10, she says, “I was waiting for you to ask!”
In the last issue of Rolling Stone, I saw you say your weed smoking was “Jedi-level.” That sounds pretty cool. What else can I do to smoke weed like a true boss? —John, Denver There’s only one way to smoke weed like a true boss, man. You have to get the highest-grade weed. When I smoke, I’m usually in my backyard. I hear the waterfall from the swimming pool; I hear my two yachts as they bump against the railings and the water splashes against their bodies; I hear a squirrel chirping from centimeters away. Go get yourself a rocking chair and put it on your front porch, and listen to the breeze, just like the good old days. That’s when you’re smokin’ like a true boss.
